Graduation Gifts

This one is graduating today. Mommas everywhere know the unique twinge that comes with this milestone. So much pride and joy, but also reflecting back and thinking of how quickly it went by. You hear it from the day they are born… that you’ll blink, and they will be grown.  And now you try to remember the last time you held their hand, they sat on your lap, you tucked them in… and you can’t.  You know your job… to guide them to stand on their own. And while you are amazed and proud, you miss that little person.  I thought it might feel different with my second one, but it is exactly the same.

But my #2 came by an unusual route; a little backstory…

In June 1989, when Sarah was 3 months old, Dr. Allee met with Kelly and me to share my prognosis. He had hoped my heart would improve after her birth, but it was still enlarged and weak. He talked statistics, meds, and even that a transplant may be needed at some point (we had no idea how soon), but all that was drowned out when he said, “no more pregnancies… ever”.

Fast forward 6 months to January 1, 1990, two months post-transplant, and the Tallahassee Democrat runs an article about a local woman who has recently received the gift of life…me!  A beautiful new heart is beating inside of my chest; yet the outcome of my surgery is still uncertain.  That evening a stranger calls our home.  He shares how the article blessed him and how God is being glorified through my story. And then he says, “who knows why He has spared you… maybe you will have a child one day”. Well, like Abraham’s Sarah, I laughed in my heart, thanked him for his encouragement, hung up the phone, and pretty much dismissed his words.

But I never forgot them. God continued to bless me and the transplant was successful in every way. “You must have gotten your long-lost sister’s heart”, Dr. Allee would say. I was able to see many milestones come and go, overjoyed to be here to share them with my Kelly and precious Sarah Jane. And I even met my donor’s family in 1994, just after the 5^th anniversary of my transplant. Dave and Vicki Brubaker gave me their daughter Tammi's heart, but also gave us their love and friendship. And three years after we met, this precious girl’s heart would give us even more… another new life, Ryan Kelly Burke.

God’s grace is amazing. He can do far beyond what we ever dream. 

Ryan Burke, I hope you know how much joy your life has brought to our family. You are intelligent, handsome, generous, and focused.  And you love like Jesus, without condition.  What a gift you are to us and no doubt you will be to many others as you begin this new leg of your journey. I am so thankful for you and proud to call you my son. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus...He has great plans for you.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. –James 1:17

25 years

Today I celebrate life. 25 years of life beyond the diagnosis of a viral cardiomyopathy and a “100% chance of death”. A new heart was my only hope, and I received this costly gift on November 20, 1989.

I have many vivid memories of November 10th – 28th, 1989. Kelly taking me to the ER at 2 a.m. on that Friday the 10th, being put on the transplant list on Monday, the 13th, being moved to cardiovascular intensive care after my heart stopped in the early hours of the 18th. And then on Monday, November 20th, hearing the words “the heart is good and Dr. Bixler is bringing it back”. I was so sick and barely conscious and had almost died 2 days before, so the fear of the surgery was greatly lessened than it had been earlier in the week. It truly was “good” news, but how could it be when some family somewhere was experiencing overwhelming grief in the sudden loss of their loved one? I simply trusted God that He was taking care of me, everyone I loved, and this suffering family. I knew people everywhere were praying for all three. My intimacy with the Lord…His peace and comfort had never been as profound in my life as in the brief time before the transplant. No one could fix me… not my family, my husband, no drugs, no surgery, no amount of money…only God.  I was in His hands alone. And for the first time I understood the complete peace that comes with truly trusting in Him and nothing else.

There are many memories besides those I mentioned above, but my memory of day 18…the day I went home on November 28th, is one I think of often, most every day or I guess I should say every night. I had been in a special unit with round the clock care from the time they brought me out of recovery until the day I went home. A number of IVs draped from my arms, hands, legs, and neck. Blood pressure and oxygen were continuously monitored…and the heart rate. Mine was pretty low, and every time it went below 35 beats per minute, an alarm would sound and nurses would come running. My cardiologist, Dr. Allee, said this was normal for a newly transplanted heart and would start to increase with time. But the night before I was to go home, I was still being monitored, still hooked up, still had nurses checking on me constantly. Machines would let them know if anything wasn’t right and alarms would sound. But what would happen if I went home and something went wrong? My old heart had stopped in my sleep in the hospital just a week ago and they “jumped it off”. What if this one stopped? Would I be able to go to sleep at home? How in the world did they sew it in anyway? Could it leak? How was it even going? 

Fortunately, the next day, all of these fears were far outweighed by the joy of being able to return home and see my almost-8-month-old baby girl, Sarah Jane. I remember pulling in the driveway of the house Kelly and I had built just 2 years before and seeing the maple tree that had been covered in green when I left. Now it had only a few yellow and orange leaves left. I felt like I had missed so much in just 18 days, but I mostly missed my baby girl. She was crawling, pulling up, and wanted to be held. But being the intuitive soul she still is today, she was content to sit in my lap and let Daddy carry her around. I was so very thankful just to hear sweet little babbling.

Then that first night came. I went to bed…relieved to be home, yet a little dazed at the gravity of what had taken place in my life. Remembering just the night before being hooked up to so many things, the noises and smells of a surgical ICU, so many nurses and doctors checking on me… all of that was gone. It was wonderfully peaceful, and I was so extremely thankful to be alive and home again with my husband and baby. But then fears began to creep in as I tried to go to sleep. I remember rolling over and putting my right hand under my left side. And I felt it…that wonderfully strong, amazing beat. A precious family had provided the heart, but only God could give it life. I remembered seeing this beautiful new heart on an echocardiogram (ultrasound) before I left the hospital…and the coolest thing was the valves opening and closing looked like clapping… like praising God.  I remembered Kelly telling me that operating room nurses had shared with him how emotional it was when a newly transplanted heart turned from grey to red as the blood began to fill it and it began to beat in an open chest. And I realized the first time this heart’s beat was ever heard was probably at an OB/GYN appointment where a new mom laughed with joy at the sound of new life. Now life had returned to this heart, a gift from the Lord. I did not need to be afraid, but simply trust Him in the way He had so graciously shown me before my surgery.

Successful organ transplants were a pretty new thing in 1989. After mine, the only people I met who had one were only 2-3 years out, so I didn’t really have a good answer about my life expectancy. But I knew then and still do that the Lord is the Creator, the Giver and the Sustainer of life. I don’t know why He took my donor, a 15-year-old girl named Tammi Brubaker, home when He did.  And I don’t know how long the beat will last for me. But I know I will be here for as long as He wills. I know that beat is a love song from Him to me and I praise Him every day for it.

I think it was around 1993 or so that Christian music artist Geoff Moore recorded a song with Steven Curtis Chapman called “Listen To Our Hearts”. To me it is one of the most powerful worship songs ever written and it immediately became my favorite. Kelly and I have been able to hear them sing it a couple of times in just an acoustic set… amazing! Look them up on YouTube (don’t laugh at their hair and clothes) and you will be blessed! There are even some newer artists to record it like Casting Crowns and a cool version by Tim Be Told and Koo Chung. I hope you’ll take time to listen (again if you’ve already heard it). Here are the lyrics:

How do you explain,
How do you describe,
A love that goes from east to west,
And runs as deep as it is wide?

You know all our hopes
Lord, You know all our fears
And words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for you to hear.

Chorus:
So listen to our hearts
And hear our spirits sing
A song of praise that flows
From those You have redeemed
We will use the words we know 
To tell You what an awesome God You are
But words are not enough 
To tell You of our love
So listen to our hearts

If words could fall like rain
From these lips of mine
And if I had a thousand years
I would still run out of time

So if You listen to my heart
Every beat will say
Thank You for the Life
Thank You for the Truth
Thank You for the Way

This song speaks so much to me, because words truly are not enough. They were not enough the first time I wrote my donor’s family to thank them for their generous gift in the midst of a time of overwhelming grief…their beautiful daughter gone way too soon. And words are not enough to express my thanksgiving to the Lord for the new heart he gave me that also came at a great cost… His son, Jesus. My prayer to Him today, on this 25th anniversary is the last stanza, “So if you listen to my heart, Every beat will say, Thank You for the Life, Thank You for the Truth, Thank You for the Way”.